The first visit since we had split up in Marina is quite eventful. We arrive in Kentucky and it’s beautiful and so green. He is still working with the same company and we take lodging in a hotel suite that is old but quaint and comfy. The job site is not too far from our lodgings. He greets our angel with hugs and I feel guilty as usual for our split. I know he loves this child as I do. More than any other human being on the planet. This was our strongest bond and I thought it could never be broken. However, I have been wrong before and later I would find out I was wrong about this. Some people cross over the line of Love and Hate, and never make it back to the other side. We spend time amusing our little angel. It is truly all about her. Once she is asleep, we get our party on. I know that I must stop using because I feel so paranoid and out of control. My biggest fear is that I will be unable to deal with an emergency situation with my daughter. My second biggest fear is that I will die of an overdose because my additive personality will cause me to use all of a substance be it alcohol or other drugs, until they are gone. Marijuana seems to be the only drug that slows my mind down, it keeps me from thinking too much, it just calms me. Once a flower child, always a flower child. But my mania calls for testing my physical, mental and emotional psyche to the maximum. My paranoia kicks in and we stay up almost the entire night and still he goes into work. During the daylight I take My lil angel to the flea market, out to eat or whatever our hearts desire. I ask, she responds then we seek and find. It’s always this way with him, our vacations or trysts are “anything and everything we want.” We have Carte Blanche for a week. Fairy tales do come true and most times they have scary endings however, they also always have a moral and there are several mortality tests in this story.
I am reading the local paper and perusing the ads. I see an ad for a designer dog.Its part Mini-Schaunzer and part Scottish Terrier (Scotty) and its called a “Schaughtty”. And I just love the name. It reminds me of the cartoon with the old couple and the crazy dog in the episode where the antagonist keeps saying “NAAAAUUUGHTY” (in a creepy low bass-filled voice). I want one and she does as well. We call the number listed in the ad and connect with a woman who gives us her address to go see the pups. We search and search for the address and this is before the days of navigation on your phone and in your car. These are the days of external devices of which we do not have in this case. We drive and search for hours and hours and unlike me, I finally give up as it starts to turn dark outside. We head back to the hotel defeated.
That evening we are partying, long after the lil angel is asleep. It is extra vigorous and I consciously restrain myself on the party favors. I loathe feeling out of control and paronoid and concentrating on that unpleasant feeling makes me temper my addictive personality, I indulge less. I feel better about my restraint and the evening in general and hopes he does as well. The next day I get a call from his job. He has been taken to the hospital because of his heart. WHAT!? Holy shit he better be okay. I get us dressed and out the door in record time. But we are in Kentucky and I know not where I am going. I call the hospital to get directions as I try to navigate. I am physically shaking and trying my best to calm myself. I keep praying and telling myself “its going to be okay, he’s going to be okay.” And I also think that everyone on this job site is going to think that I did something to him. I can hear it now. “He was fine before she came.” “As soon as she got here he is being rushed to the hospital.” I know I will be blamed and I rack my brain trying to figure out what the hell happened. I vow to not do any more party favors and rationalize that it must have been a bad mixture. Too much partying and not enough sleep along with the extra physical activity must have been way too much strain in his heart. I too blame myself. Shit! Now what the hell am I going to do? What the hell are we going to do without him? I cannot find the hospital and I am getting frustrated which helps me to physically stop shaking and focus. A 15 minute ride ends up being about 45 minutes and I am calmer by the time we get to the hospital. I announce my name and they direct us to his room.